Lost Blueprint

LOST BLUEPRINT: Serious, slanted, fictional journalism



by Paint Thompson


This would be boring if it wasn't SO FUCKING COOL!!!



By Lost Blueprint Editorial Board

Somebody who writes for this blog will be reading this weekend and it will be a spectacular event and all should come to see it!!

OK, the truth is, she lied to a priest and now needs to absolve herself of the guilt. Save a girl's soul, people!

COME TO: Serendipity Theater Collective's 2nd Story at Webster's Wine Bar!

Sunday, October 29, 2006, 7pm
Webster's Wine Bar
1480 W. Webster

It's a night of storytelling and general good vibeness. And wine!

Here's the link for more information: http://www.serendipitytheatre.org/.


Check it out now before they change the home page!







The Lost Blueprint Editorial Board strongly supports the brain-crushing wonderment that is Margaret Atwood. Read this article by Joyce Carol Oates and your eyeballs will fall out. Yes, these two women writers REALLY ARE THAT INTELLIGENT AND PROLIFIC.

Like we said, holy shit.



We're with you, Beachwood Reporter. And now we're sadly missing really drunk nights watching really loud punk bands. Shit.


by Lost Blueprint Editorial Board

Frequently, the Lost Blueprint Editorial Board scours the internet looking for quality words and stories and topical topics of news. We are also elite-level procrastinators and that skill demands practice.

In the course of our trolling, we have found the following gems: Every Monday, PostSecret gets updated. Good stuff. Check it out.

We found PostSecret through the delightful Word. Thanks, Mr. B.


by Paint Thompson

Um . . . huh. Okay.



by Mandy Meander

It's fall. So, we went to Door County because all the magazines are doing it and we're trying desperately to keep up with everyone else.

Here's what you should not do in Door County:

1. Don't go in to the local tavern and yell, "Bears rule!"

2. Don't go in to the local antique store and say, "Door County is so quaint, but I wouldn't want to live here."

3. Don't pull in to the parking lot of the general store, get out of your car, look around at the other cars, and say, "You know, those American cars are going to fall apart about thirty seconds after the warranty runs out."

4. Don't get back in to your Japanese car after saying #3.



The Lost Blueprint Editorial Board introduces guest blogger M. Mark Malarky, who was kind enough to post the following report from somewhere on the West Side.

M. Mark Malarky
Guest Blogger

First of all, I must acknowledge my gratitude for this honor, being the premiere guest reviewer for an internationally recognized publication such as this. I have been an avid reader for over ten years. I do receive the international edition by snail mail at my house in Ouagadougou.

Recently, I was on tour for my nineteenth book, BUSH SUCKS ASS, a hard-hitting, factually strong overview of the current U.S. administration, when I was lucky enough to stop through the Windy City. My entourage and I decided to take in the local color and, boy, did we hit the mother load: Redmoon Theater’s Spectacle ’06: Twilight Orchard in Columbus Park.

It was truly the most astounding bit of whimsy I have seen in recent years, and I do not take whimsy lightly. How shall I describe the fantastical mood? I shall say that I was permitted entrance into Alice’s looking glass that happened to be held by funky Wicker Park folks. That is what I shall say.

Among bonfires and distant organ music, we watched a man chart the stars through a telescope made out of popsicle sticks. We watched a dune buggy with a boom holding a disco ball follow two crotchety men with a portable chessboard scurry around the park while continuing to play. We watched a lady wasp dance with a gentleman beetle in a ballroom built amongst the trees. And, the highlight of the evening was Danielle Paz’s ingenious “Inflatable Flight,” a bright white lady-bird in her own enormous nest. I wish that I had a picture of her Marie Antoinette-like glory. Unfortunately, my personal photographer, Jean Claude Finkelstein, brought his flask to ward against the nip in the air, and this is the only shot not including his fingers or his dreadlocks:

Yes, that is a fish-lady with a bucket under an umbrella. She moved very slow and so I say she did her job as a fish.

And in conclusion, I must give this theatrical bonanza a hardy thumbs up and recommend to you lucky Chicagoanites that you follow Redmoon wherever they should wander. GO NOW!



by PhD McGee

LINCOLN SQUARE--The fountain in this quaint and alcoholic neighborhood recently started spouting beer. According to Alderman Whatsits, the change from water to beer was decided upon because, "German Fest was such a success, we wanted to offer the fun and exuberance to the neighborhood on a long-term basis."

We interviewed a few of the regulars who hang out on the Square, Regular Squares as we at Lost Blueprint like to call them, and here's what they had to say:

Joe: I think it's imported.
Bob: I think it's got too much head.
Hortence: Beer sucks.



by Paint Thompson


I'm thinking of two words . . . they rhyme with Pooper Poll . . .


Lost Blueprint Gets Its Politics On

by Lost Blueprint Editorial Board

Bush, Condi, Cheney, and Rummy showed up at the Federal Building's plaza this afternoon, just in time for the World Can't Wait protest in their honor. They have big heads.

The Lost Blueprint Editorial Board chooses not to protest this administration. Instead, we offer a challenge: We challenge the president to a bicycle race. A 200 meter, 2-up sprint on the road of the president's choice, excluding all roads in the Middle East. If the president wins, we continue on with the Twilight Zone version of the Mission Accomplished charade. If the Lost Blueprint Editorial Board wins, we treat leaders of other countries with respect and mandate that the second syllable in America be pronounced properly.

And don't try to intimidate us, Bush. We don't care if you rode around your ranch with Lance Armstrong. We know you were using training wheels.

Yeah. That's right. We said it.


An Interview with the CTA

by PhD McGee

Ever exit a CTA station during rush hour and wonder to yourself if you're a human or just one piece of a livestock puzzle? Well, I have. So I took my questions about CTA exiting to a nameless CTA representative and found out the following insightful insight. The following is transcribed from an interview that took place last night at the bar.

Lost Blueprint: I take the el. In the morning, it's crowded. It takes longer to get out of the station than it takes to cross the Atlantic Ocean on a raft. Why?

CTA Nameless Representative: Well, there are more people than space so everyone is required to walk slowly.

LB: Is this some sort of government-sponsored, sci-fi experiment to see how we'll react to overcrowding?

CNR: Yes, actually it is.

LB: I see. So, are we to believe that we are being watched while exiting CTA stations during rush hour?

CNR: Not yet. We have yet to install the proper technology to adequately spy, um, I mean, watch out for your safety . . . we're currently trying to figure out how to install those big face freaky fountains from Millenium Park in all the CTA stations. Those things are great spying apparatuses. Apparati?

LB: Try "apparati," it sounds cooler.

CNR: So, anyway, if you could alert your readers to the fact that if they moo like cows upon exiting a CTA station, especially during rush hour, they have a better chance of appearing on CTA TV. Also, we would appreciate the free plug.

LB: Will do. And thanks for the insightful insight, CTA person. Next round's on me.

Post Script: A Lost Blueprint investigation of the spying apparati behind the big face freaky fountains at Millenium Park is underway.

Starbucks Takes Over Chicago

by Lost Blueprint Editorial Board

You can laugh while you learn how Starbucks is going to take over Chicago. Thanks to The Beachwood Reporter.

But seriously, Starbucks is going to take over Chicago.


Shhhh . . .

by Paint Thompson

The Bears are undefeated. Shhhh . . . don't talk about it . . . don't jinx it . . .

Movie Review with LuLu LaRue

by LuLu LaRue
Movie Critic, Kinda

Movie: "Friends with Money"
:) :) out of :) :) :) :) :)

Here's what I learned from "Friends with Money":
1. If you are a major pothead, you should hang out with like-minded potheads because nonpotheads will talk about you behind your back
2. If you are a major pothead who just quit your job and you have to scam samples of face lotion from beauty counters, maybe you should spend less money on weed
3. If you have $2 million to spare, don't talk about it with people who don't have $2 million, spend it you dumb fool
4. If you are building an addition to your house, alienate your neighbors before construction begins so that you don't have to wonder why they hate your guts during construction

I'm sure there were other lessons to learn in the movie, probably some existential things like how we relate to each other and how life eventually works itself out, but I think the most important lesson was: wash your hair.

LuLu LaRue gives this movie two smiles out of five. Good enough to watch when there's nothing else available, but maybe not so great if you have a chance to watch a rerun of "Lost."