OUT THERE

by PhD McGee

They're out there, you know. Of course you do. You see them everyday. They look normal enough--humans in khakis, collared shirts, horizontal-striped t-shirts from The Gap. It's not an accident they all look the same. The clue is the ear pieces. "Ear buds," as The Marketers would have you believe. The Marketers would have you believe that those ear pieces are attached to "iPods" and that everyone who's been following you just happens to be "listening to music" or "podcasts."

First of all, why would you trust anyone who knowingly begins a proper noun with a lower-cased letter? There's your first clue. Second, do you really believe that millions of people would buy the exact same product and make use of said product all day everyday while doing the exact same activities as everyone else? We are humans, people! We have brains! Of course we would never behave like sheep. That's crazy talk! Besides, I think we all know that "trend" is a code word.

But The Marketers are not the probelm. The Marketers are just the front line; they're a bit profit hungry and socially decrepit, but not the real problem. The real problem is The Government. The Government is following you. The Government is waiting for you to fuck up, and not in a way that says, "I care." They are waiting for you to fuck up in a way that says, "I will get you eventually, you freaky freakazoid." Their powers of alliteration notwithstanding, They are pretty scary.

How will They get you? Let me tell you--The Soldiers aren't listening to music through those "iPods." You just think They are because that's what They want you to believe. They are listeining to Directions and Orders. There is a Bigger Plan operating Out There and The Soldiers are everywhere, taking orders, executing finely-crafted agendas. You don't really think all those people are actually wearing the same outfits, listening to iPods, and reading RedEye every single morning without a Bigger Purpose, do you? It's like sychronized swimming, these people, but sedentary. And commuting. Why would anyone do that? We all know that humans are a free thinking, original, nonconformist species. The synchronized swimmers with the ear buds cannot possibly be a coincidence.

So that leaves us with the question: Why? Why would They be out to get you? I say: Why would they not?

You know what you did.