Lost Blueprint

LOST BLUEPRINT: Serious, slanted, fictional journalism



by Prissy McMouth

Record heat in the Chicagoland area has resulted in a shocked populace, running amok with mouths open in bemused O's. October, as everyone knows, is bear-down-Chicago-Bears weather, which includes, but is not limited to: wool sweaters, wool socks that smell bad, boots, hats worn for function not fashion, turned-up collars that are not a mocking gesture towards 80s preppies, and excessive complaining about an 8-month winter.

However, much of October 2007 has been more July-like than July. "I'm hot," Josephine Josephats told us, while waiting for the 151 in the Loop. "My pits are soaked."

Timothy Timolin, a landscaper for Our Plants R Better'n Yers, said, "I'm supposed to be sticking corn husks in these here planters, but the damn flowers are still bloomin'."

Meteorologists have attributed the continuous summer weather to a so-called "heat wave," which, according to graphical representation, is swinging its way across the country like a drunk conga line.

Much like "due diligence" and "habeas corpus," most Lost Blueprint readers know that "heat wave" and "country" are terms that are merely intangible apparitions. Our investigative team decided to invetigate the real reason behind the current currental drama.

Turns out, it's the city. Specifically, The Office of Make More Money (OMMM). Steven Stephenson, executive director of OMMM explained the origin of the germ of the idea thusly: "I was eavesdropping on two guys when I was in line at Corner Bakery. One of 'em was complaining about winter. The other one said, 'Yeah, but if it was summer all the time, we'd never get rid of the tourists.' Well, that got me thinking. Tourists seem to be biologically incapable of correctly utilizing a revolving door. However, they do drop a shit ton of money when they're in town."

Shortly thereafter, Stephenson presented a PowerPoint presentation to the mayor and the city council outlining the increased profit margin inherent in an extended summer. "This could quite literally wipe away any discussion of an 11% sales tax and demolish all arguments in favor of raising property taxes," Delores DeLores, 862nd ward alderwoman, told Lost Blueprint. "The problem I see with this plan is, what would we fight about if it passes?"

"I don't like it," John Johnson, mayor of Dumpsterville and 362nd ward alderman said. "And that bean in the park looks stupid, too."

After careful consideration, the council voted on Stephenson's proposal and approved it, 3,222 to 3. After votes were tallied, the mayor, surprisingly, gave a speech. "I will talk to God this week," he said. "We have a few other items to discuss as well. I need to hand over all those hot dogs from Hot Dougs that I promised Him after the Cubs lost. Best deal I ever made. Eat shit, northsiders . . . What? It is? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER TELL ME WHEN THIS DAMN MIC IS ON?"

After a sip of water, the mayor explained that the extended summer should "make us all filthy rich." The extended summer is not expected to extend into the holiday season, so citizens of this fair city need not worry about losing their inalienable right to muck about in gray snow drifts that are as tall as the Sears Tower.