Pigeons

by PhD McGee
Conspiracy Theorist

Pigeons.

They tap dance around you like they are trying to be entertaining, but certainly their little tappy toes are doing more than tapping out the funky back beat of some funky pigeon rock song. They are quite clearly communicating something--perhaps to each other, perhaps to those of us enlightened souls who choose to listen to what pigeons have to say.

I used to think pigeons were a conspiracy unto their own; an avian cult, if you will. But now I realize they are really working for the government.

Just this morning I saw two pigeons tappy tapping their little tappy bird feet on the platform of the el and I realized in horror that they were in fact tapping out Morse code. Silently I waited for the words to come to me (I am an expert Morse code encoder. I have a t-shirt that says so. And a Morse code encoder ring).

I waited for one train to pass. Then another. The groups of people on the platform ebbed and flowed as the morning crowds slowly changed from commuters to losers without jobs. I waited while the CTA man came and cleaned out the garbage bins. I lifted my legs as he swept under the bench I was on. I watched the traffic light below change from green to yellow to red maybe fifty or sixty times. And still, the pigeons sat tappy tapping their little tappy toes while I assiduously and mentally documented their message:

Pigeon #1: Government eavesdropping. Finding not much.
Pigeon #2: Americans very concerned with American Idol results. Massive economic push to spy on people who are up to nothing.
Pigeon #1: I love it when people litter.
Pigeon #2: Me too, popcorn kernels are best.
Pigeon #1: Really? I can't eat popcorn kernels, makes me constipated.
Pigeon #2: Too bad, they're good.