Bridging the Great Divide: Meeting People on the El

by Prissy McMouth
Behavior Commentator

You are sitting on the Brown line. It is 7:30 in the morning. You are headed to work. At Belmont, a crush of people move into your car. The morning sun is blinding, but out of this bright yellow light a figure slowly emerges. He is a life-sized version of a Ken doll. Your knees melt and your breathing becomes labored. What do you do next?

You talk to him, of course. And Prissy's going to tell you how.

First, you have to make up something to talk about. Try discussing how happy you are that we haven't gotten the shit bombed out of us by a really pissed off third world nation. Or, you could broach the subject of religious intolerance. Rely on something light and airy that anyone can comment upon.

Next, try maneuvering around the other people in the car so that you are standing right next to the Ken doll. Prepare your lips--apply gloss and by all means, make sure you do not have that dry throat syndrome so common in the morning. You know the one--where you talk like you just had a tracheotomy. Yeah--don't talk like that.

Now, as you stand next to the Ken doll, you want to grab his attention. I suggest stepping on his foot, then immediately following up with huge, flirty eyes meeting his while seductively murmuring a sincere apology. Bat your eyes for added effect. If you are not wearing makeup, this move will not work. And anyway, if you are not wearing makeup you should be shot.

Now that you have his attention, initiate conversation pronto. Mornings are not everyone's best time, so you have to be prepared to take the onus upon yourself. Really hit hard the religious intolerance issue, mass destruction, etc., etc. If he dodges your questions, looks down at the ground, watches the station platforms as the train pulls away from them, step on his foot again. No matter what, do not let his eyes wander from yours. Eye contact is your leash. Keep it tight.

Inevitably, this conversation should lead to an exchange of numbers. If it does not, you're a loser. Do not accept the first date he asks you on. You will be too busy on that day. Suggest another date shortly thereafter and there you go--you're dating!