Horrors in the Nail Polish Factory

by PhD McGee
Conspiracy Theorist

After thoroughly reviewing the evidence and inhaling enormous quantities of glue, I have realized the ugly underbelly of one aspect of the cosmetics industry: prisoners of nail polish factories.

You don't really think all those cool names come from some marketing executive with an ear to the street do you? That is so ridiculous I can't even believe you would think that. What's really happening is that hordes of very small people with large hands are trapped in warehouses where they stand for days, pushing cartoon-big wooden spoons around huge vats of colored goo that will eventually end up being poured into pretty glass containers and shipped to places like beauty parlors and cosmetic stores and grocery stores with aisles labeled "women's interest." The names of the polishes are the trappees' subversive attempts to seek rescue.

How do I know this? Because I pay attention, people. To wit: Skinny Dipn in Lake Michigan, Mrs. O'Leary's BBQ, Windy City Pretty, Marooned on the Magnificent Mile. These are the names of some of the nail polishes that are currently being sold at retailers. And these are only the Chicago references. My super spidey sense tells me that these are the cries for help from the Chicago nail polish factories (housed, I assume, in the stockyards that are allegedly no longer in use).

The list given above clearly states the following: Help! We were almost drowned in the lake when we tried to establish a union (Skinny Dipn in Lake Michigan). Then they tried to burn us alive or else they were trying to grill steak and missed the grill and threw the matches on our assembly line (Mrs. O'Leary's BBQ). We are windburned from the winter air rushing through the cracks in the walls (Windy City Pretty). We are trapped inside a doorless airplane hangar and there are so many pictures of the 1985 Chicago Bears that we can't even think straight anymore (Marooned on the Magnificent Mile).

It's not just Chicago, people. This is A WORLDWIDE EPIDEMIC. There are people trapped in nail polish factories ALL OVER: England, Spain, Australia . . . it never ends. We must contact the U.N. Of course, the U.N. may be in on it.

One last thought: it's quite possible the small people with large hands may not be in the factories at all. They may very well be in the nail polish bottles themselves! We are going to need swift and decisive action.

I am not making this up.