Summer is Coming

by Prissy McMouth
Behavior Commentator

Summer is coming to Chicago and that means: tourists.

Here's a helpful guide on how to make the most of your summer without becoming so annoyed with visitors to the city that you end up incarcerated under trumped up manslaughter charges:

1. Understanding is key. You must understand that most tourists have no idea what they're doing. For example, when they walk out of a revolving door and immediately stop, they are more than likely unaware of the logic behind a revolving door, which is, of course, to keep people revolving through it.

When you find yourself taking your turn stepping out of a revolving door only to crash headlong into the pastel-shirted back of a person decked out in camera accessories and American Girl bags, I suggest a path of nonviolence and smug annoyance. Grunt as loudly and as closely to the tourist's ear and then mumble under your breath. You could try a curt, "Oh. My. Gawd!" Either way, you want to let them know they've made a horrific mistake without being specific about what that mistake was. That way they'll be nervous and on edge and perhaps not return to town.

2. When encountering a group of tourists walking four abreast down the street during rush and/or lunch hour, consider this an opportunity to hone your Red Rover skills.

Choose the space between the two people who are walking closest together, pick up your pace, and ram through the line with all the gusto of a pro football player flying into the end zone. I would suggest saying something quaint at this point. My experience has shown that "The promenade's on Mackinac Island, motherfuckers," works effectively.

3. Tourists stare up. For this, you can't quite blame them. Chicago's skyline is quite possibly one of the top ten most gorgeous works of art ever created. Bitter, cynical urbanites have been known to experience knee melting at the sight of it. However, one should never come to a dead stop anywhere where there are other pedestrians who have places to go. If you find yourself encountering a staring tourist, simply pull out your handy Wack-A-Mole mallet and bop the tourist about the face and chest with it. Make sure there are no police officers around.

Have a great summer and don't litter.