Lost Blueprint

LOST BLUEPRINT: Serious, slanted, fictional journalism



by Razz Trumble

Need a primer on how to speak CTA-ese? Of course you do--language is dynamic and there is nothing more dynamic than the official language of a feckless infrastructure. The following is a list of curent CTA-isms with their definitions. Please be aware that certain phrases may change their spelling depending on context, tense, or mayoral whim.

WHAT THEY SAY: "Attention, passengers. We will be standing momentarily."
WHAT THEY MEAN: The train is on fire. Probably it's the last car. Probably, it has something to do with frayed wires, an electrical current, and an insouciantly tossed match.

WHAT THEY SAY: "A ___ Line train, toward the Loop, will be arriving shortly."
WHAT THEY MEAN: You can lean over the platform and look down the tracks for as long or as often as you'd like, but the train isn't really coming. We're just telling you that because we spent all our money on this really groovy PA system and we have to use it to justify the cost. When you're not around, we turn on the house music and the disco ball and have dance-offs.

WHAT THEY SAY: "There is another train immediately following."
WHAT THEY MEAN: The interesting thing here is, the next train will be packed with sardines. Not people packed into the cars like sardines, actual sardines. The sardines will be going to some warehouse on Fulton, so they'll need a transfer, and a bus. You are not allowed to ride in a train or a bus with sardines, that breaks all kinds of codes.

WHAT THEY SAY: "Due to construction, the _____ station will be closed. Our next stop will be ____ ."
WHAT THEY MEAN: When you're in the midst of a budget crisis while operating a mass transportation system whose mechanical operations were considered high-tech in 1924, the best thing to do is make it look pretty. Reconstructed lattice shelters at the south end of the platform will make everyone forget about the fact that the train falls off its own tracks. Especially important, we only rehab the stations on the North Side of the city. Honkeys love the rehab.



by PhD McGee

They're out there, you know. Of course you do. You see them everyday. They look normal enough--humans in khakis, collared shirts, horizontal-striped t-shirts from The Gap. It's not an accident they all look the same. The clue is the ear pieces. "Ear buds," as The Marketers would have you believe. The Marketers would have you believe that those ear pieces are attached to "iPods" and that everyone who's been following you just happens to be "listening to music" or "podcasts."

First of all, why would you trust anyone who knowingly begins a proper noun with a lower-cased letter? There's your first clue. Second, do you really believe that millions of people would buy the exact same product and make use of said product all day everyday while doing the exact same activities as everyone else? We are humans, people! We have brains! Of course we would never behave like sheep. That's crazy talk! Besides, I think we all know that "trend" is a code word.

But The Marketers are not the probelm. The Marketers are just the front line; they're a bit profit hungry and socially decrepit, but not the real problem. The real problem is The Government. The Government is following you. The Government is waiting for you to fuck up, and not in a way that says, "I care." They are waiting for you to fuck up in a way that says, "I will get you eventually, you freaky freakazoid." Their powers of alliteration notwithstanding, They are pretty scary.

How will They get you? Let me tell you--The Soldiers aren't listening to music through those "iPods." You just think They are because that's what They want you to believe. They are listeining to Directions and Orders. There is a Bigger Plan operating Out There and The Soldiers are everywhere, taking orders, executing finely-crafted agendas. You don't really think all those people are actually wearing the same outfits, listening to iPods, and reading RedEye every single morning without a Bigger Purpose, do you? It's like sychronized swimming, these people, but sedentary. And commuting. Why would anyone do that? We all know that humans are a free thinking, original, nonconformist species. The synchronized swimmers with the ear buds cannot possibly be a coincidence.

So that leaves us with the question: Why? Why would They be out to get you? I say: Why would they not?

You know what you did.


MOVIE REVIEW: Eastern Promises

by LuLu LaRue

Eastern Promises is a movie about naked hot dudes rolling around on the floor. Actually, there's just one naked hot dude that rolls around on the floor. And actually, it's just one scene where he's doing that. But the naked hot dude is Aragorn and he's bedecked with tattoos, and now we know for a fact that god exists.

Naomi Watts plays a goody-goody nurse, who's pretty annoying, but her hair looks like shit, so you gotta feel kinda bad for her. Also, she's playing a character who was written with no layers or motivation, so everything she does seems like she just woke up yesterday. She and Aragorn are in London. It's always dark. Apparently, a really, really big black cloud has taken over the city.

This other lady is pregnant, dies, the baby lives, is in the hospital, Naomi takes care of the baby all the time because, evidently, there are no other patients in this city hospital, and while reading the baby's mother's diary, wherein the Russian mob is implicated in various forms of horribleness that have, we are to assume, led to the mother's death, Naomi picks a fight with the mob, because that's what you do when you're a nurse--you pick fights with mobsters.

As you can imagine, the Russian mob in London is scared shitless of her. She does, after all, stutter a lot. Perhaps she was also thinking that if you stare at someone enough, they will wilt from your self-righteous gaze. But, no, the Russian mob has had extensive training in self-righteous-gaze avoidance, and so they carry on with their Russian mob business, which has something to do with a restaurant that has elaborate birthday parties for old women, lots of chocolate, and painful ways to die. Also, there's vodka.

Aragorn is hot as hell. He's also the #2 dude in the mob, except for the son of the #1 dude, but the son is a drunk and a bad actor, so hopefully he'll get a construction job in Idaho and move on. The #1 dude is a raging douchebag, tries to get the drunk son to drown the baby, the drunk son grows a conscience at precisely the moment when he's standing at the water's edge, at which point Naomi and Aragorn show up and stop him and then there's a touching scene where Aragorn and Naomi coo over the baby and then they kiss, because you are supposed to kiss strangers when you coo with them over a baby. Also, Aragorn is an undercover cop, so you're allowed to like him now.

There are a lot of close-up scenes of blood and chopped off fingers, which should give everyone great ideas for Halloween. Also, everything that was chopped off or bleeding looked like a wax candle with ketchup, which is quite original.

In the end, both Naomi and the baby are wearing white frilly dresses and the sun was out. This is great news, as I was terribly worried some sort of meteorological disaster had struck London. Aragorn does not show up in a white frilly dress. He does take over the mob, I think we are to assume. And that is the story of how the police and the criminals ended up bedfellows.

Wait until this movie comes out on DVD, then watch it when you're drunk and you're gonna pass out anyway.



by Prissy McMouth

Record heat in the Chicagoland area has resulted in a shocked populace, running amok with mouths open in bemused O's. October, as everyone knows, is bear-down-Chicago-Bears weather, which includes, but is not limited to: wool sweaters, wool socks that smell bad, boots, hats worn for function not fashion, turned-up collars that are not a mocking gesture towards 80s preppies, and excessive complaining about an 8-month winter.

However, much of October 2007 has been more July-like than July. "I'm hot," Josephine Josephats told us, while waiting for the 151 in the Loop. "My pits are soaked."

Timothy Timolin, a landscaper for Our Plants R Better'n Yers, said, "I'm supposed to be sticking corn husks in these here planters, but the damn flowers are still bloomin'."

Meteorologists have attributed the continuous summer weather to a so-called "heat wave," which, according to graphical representation, is swinging its way across the country like a drunk conga line.

Much like "due diligence" and "habeas corpus," most Lost Blueprint readers know that "heat wave" and "country" are terms that are merely intangible apparitions. Our investigative team decided to invetigate the real reason behind the current currental drama.

Turns out, it's the city. Specifically, The Office of Make More Money (OMMM). Steven Stephenson, executive director of OMMM explained the origin of the germ of the idea thusly: "I was eavesdropping on two guys when I was in line at Corner Bakery. One of 'em was complaining about winter. The other one said, 'Yeah, but if it was summer all the time, we'd never get rid of the tourists.' Well, that got me thinking. Tourists seem to be biologically incapable of correctly utilizing a revolving door. However, they do drop a shit ton of money when they're in town."

Shortly thereafter, Stephenson presented a PowerPoint presentation to the mayor and the city council outlining the increased profit margin inherent in an extended summer. "This could quite literally wipe away any discussion of an 11% sales tax and demolish all arguments in favor of raising property taxes," Delores DeLores, 862nd ward alderwoman, told Lost Blueprint. "The problem I see with this plan is, what would we fight about if it passes?"

"I don't like it," John Johnson, mayor of Dumpsterville and 362nd ward alderman said. "And that bean in the park looks stupid, too."

After careful consideration, the council voted on Stephenson's proposal and approved it, 3,222 to 3. After votes were tallied, the mayor, surprisingly, gave a speech. "I will talk to God this week," he said. "We have a few other items to discuss as well. I need to hand over all those hot dogs from Hot Dougs that I promised Him after the Cubs lost. Best deal I ever made. Eat shit, northsiders . . . What? It is? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER TELL ME WHEN THIS DAMN MIC IS ON?"

After a sip of water, the mayor explained that the extended summer should "make us all filthy rich." The extended summer is not expected to extend into the holiday season, so citizens of this fair city need not worry about losing their inalienable right to muck about in gray snow drifts that are as tall as the Sears Tower.



by PhD McGee

What are you going to do about it?

Have a happy holiday, America!



by Lost Blueprint Editorial Board

The proposal reflects a growing belief that the use of the detention facility is tainting the image of the U.S.



by Paint Thompson

Carlos Zambrano is not pissed at Michael Barrett. He is merely considering a career change to boxing.



by Razz Trumble

That dude with that rare strain of TB, he's the first person to be quarantined since 1963. Or about then--I was reading the headline on someone's paper this morning and that's what I read, but then the train came, so maybe it was 1964 or even 1984, but, whatever, the point is, it was a long time ago when the government last quarantined somebody.

The precedent is set and now that this practice is back in action, let's use it. We should use it for all those people who exhibit a rare strain of stupid--the Sneezers Who Don't Cover Their Mouths, the Yellers Into Cell Phones, the Secret Farters in Enclosed Spaces. And of course, teenagers. Quarantine those monsters until they learn how to handle their alcohol.

No doubt the Democrats will scream rights violations at this, so let's apply quarantining to everyone--Bush, obviously, duh, stick him with the rare strain of stupid folks. Cheney--quarantine him, too, for being half-zombie and not even trying to hide it. Obama, Hillary, the ACLU. Just quarantine everyone, dammit, because I hate listening to people talk so much when I'm hungover and I'm always hungover.



by Prissy McMouth

Speaking from his penthouse office in the northwest corner of Heaven, God discussed his decision to end preacher/hater Jerry Falwell's life. "Too much yammering," God said. "You humans. Out of all the life in all the galaxies I've created, you humans are the only ones who can't figure out when to shut up."

A spokesangel for God excused the Almighty, citing a recent lack of creative energy and plumbing problems in the north wing as reasons for His blunt behavior. "But, really, we don't need to explain ourselves to you," the spokesangel told the press corps.



by Lost Blueprint Editorial Board