Umbrella Etiquette for Urbanites

by Prissy McMouth
Behavior Commentator

The umbrella is an amazing tool. Dynamic, despite it's inanimate nature. However, when many umbrellas are opened at once, there is significantly less space for people in the world and that lack of space demands that some ground rules be formulated.

As Head Rule Maker of All-Time, I will take the lead on this project.

Rule #1: To avoid crasing into other umbrellas, never tip yours to one side or the other. This causes runoff and it shows a lack of savviness that exposes you as a sub-urban person. Also, you risk forcing rain to be directed into the shoe of another person, wherein that person will have soaked socks and as most persons do not carry an extra pair of dry socks with them when venturing into the world, the rest of us are left spending time with someone who has smelly wet sock feet. This will cause ill will, start conflict, escalate wars, spread disease, etc., etc. Solution: Move the umbrella up and down. Practice before a rainy day. Up. Down. It's all in the elbow. There is more vertical space than horizontal space in the city, use it.

Rule #2: Do not use your umbrella as a shield. If you feel you must fight through crowds on a city street on a rainy day, do not do so as though you are fighting a dragon. You are merely putting yourself in a position where you cannot see in front of you, thereby causing ill will, starting conflict, escalating wars, spreading disease, etc., etc. Besides, you look stupid doing that. Solution: If the wind and rain are coming at you so hard you actually need a blocker, stay home.

Rule #3: When around others, do not shake out the excess water on your umbrella. Those tiny beads of water flick their way upward, usually into eyeballs, hair, nostrils, open sores. This causes ill will, starts conflict, escalates wars, spreads disease, etc., etc. Solution: Walk to the nearest alley, step one-quarter step away from passing pedestrians on the sidewalk, and vehemently shake your umbrella to relieve it of its extra moisture. More than likely you'll miss flicking water on other persons and as a bonus, you may very well scare the shit out of some rats.

Rule #4: Do not place your wet umbrella on the seat next to you. Don't do this on the train, on the bus, on a seat in a restaurant, on the benches in the lobby of an office building, on your coworker's chair. Your umbrella did not pay for a seat on the train, it is not a patron of any food establishment, and it does not work in your office building. If you do insist on leaving your wet umbrella on the seat next to you, you should take full responsibility for all the ill will in the world, every conflict, every war, and every disease, you dirty fucker.