Lost Blueprint

LOST BLUEPRINT: Serious, slanted, fictional journalism


One More Problem Solved

PhD McGee
Conspiracy Theorist

Alert Lost Blueprint reader Peter Tapper has written the following letter:

Dear Mr. McGee,
I occupy cubicle #43 on the ninth floor of a 30-story office building. I have noticed a disturbing trend at work lately; namely, that nothing works as it is supposed to. To wit:

  • Why does the vending machine regularly eat my money without dispensing a can of pop?
  • Why does the bathroom door always stick when I really need to go?
  • Why does the water fountain only spout water when I'm sticking my eye into it to see why it's not working?
  • Why does my computer freeze every 6-7 minutes, but free up whenever I threaten to throw it out the window?
  • Why is the bag of Doritos I paid for last week still dangling insouciantly from its shelf in the snack machine?

Am I working in the Bermuda triangle of office buildings? Please dispatch help.

Sincerely yours,
Peter Tapper

Well, Mr. Tapper, I have dispatched help, though you probably did not know it as I am as stealthy as I am intelligent. Last week, I entered your office under the protection of what is known in the sleuthing world as a "disguise." Yes, that seemingly mild mannered, six-foot tall chicken with the Chicago White Sox t-shirt and the basket of muffins was indeed me. There is no need to thank me, I am just doing my duty. And here is what I found out:
1. Never go into the women's bathroom dressed in a chicken suit. Apparently, women have a problem with large poultry
2. Your vending machines do not work because the slot is too small for a hand to slip through (or, in my case, a chicken's claw to slip through)
3. Walking around a quiet office yelling, "Muffins for the world!" will get you a quick date with security
4. Your computer freezes up because of, duh, the government
5. I did not have a chance to check out the water fountain, but will do so right after my arraignment