RULES OF THE SNOW

by Razz Trumble

Let's just say that last night you went out to see your friend's band play and accidently got caught up in a game of I Can Do More Shots Than You. That would make waking up this morning somewhat upsetting. It would make mucking through snow this morning pretty close to ungodly. It would also make you wonder why the online publication you work for insists on having an office when the editorial board has got to realize how much more efficient it would be to have a workforce that works from home.

Anyway, that's a point for the next staff meeting. For now, my assignment is to give you Chicago's Winter Rules. These rules are in no way endorsed by the Democratic Machine or any lackeys thereof.

1. If you were drunk last night, you should've kept drinking. If you went home and went to bed, claiming on the way out of the bar that you "have to get up in the morning," you're a dumb ass.

2. When walking on the formerly visible sidewalk, don't walk on the path that's already trodden. Metaphorically, this just shows you're an uncreative boob. In the interest of efficiency, however, if you walk on the line between the trodden path and the pretty, untouched side snow that is periodically punctuated with dog piss, you will be able to get stable footing and therefore move quicklyer.

3. You should wear boots. Why aren't you wearing boots? It's Chicago in the winter, you heathen freakazoid.

4. Stomp your feet whenever you reach unsnowed concrete. Doing this releases the excess snow that builds up on the soles of your footwear that could ultimately be your ticket to a snowy game of slip-n-slide; it also allows you to work out any frustrations you may have due to your employer's byzantine expectation of attendance, head-splitting hangover, or general disgust with your decision to stay in Chicago when all your buddies from school took off for the West Coast. In my defense, in summer, Chicago could kick LA's freaky ass inside out.

I need coffee.