CHECKIN OUT DA SHIT

by LuLu LaRue

New column: What's happening on your idiot box and in the movies.

#1: Rocky #3,456 is coming soon. I predict Rocky will ultimately win the Big Fight after conquering crippling self doubt and possibly bankruptcy/loss of self respect/divorce/death of a loved one/severe alcoholism/messy accident with a power tool in the shed after a drunken night with the new manager.

#2: Charlie Brown's Christmas Special. This was on the other night. Did you see it? You should have, you pagan shithead. If you did see it, then you know there were moments of silence, which I thought had to do with the fact that my tv was made in the Paleolithic Era and is currently operating through a complex system of pulleys and little dinosaur-like animals who run frantically around a hamster wheel. As it turns out, no, my tv is actually operating on this brand new invention called electricity. And the moments of silence inevitably occurred after mentioning something religious like god, gratitude, chocolate cake, or christmas trees. Obviously, this was on ABC, the network that is the broadcast equivalent of the mixer in the bowl of religion and politics.

#3: Charlotte's Web is coming to theaters near you. I will not review this nor can I review this. I spent endless traumatic hours as a kid crying ruthlessly into my pillow because Charlotte DIES. THE SPIDER FUCKING DIES and I've never been so broken hearted in my young life as I was when I read Charlotte's Web. Except for when I went to see Bambi and Bambi's mother DIES IN A FOREST FIRE. Or maybe she dies and then there's a forest fire. Whatever. The point is, it's a wonder I still have eyeballs in my head.