WHO WILL BUY THE CUBS?

by Paint Thompson

Wanna hear a joke? The Tribune company is selling off their assets and the Cubs are considered an asset. Ha! Ha! Isn't that funny?

Seriously, that's not what this column is about. The Cubs may be on the block and if they're sold for what they're worth, hell, I have $2.23 in change in my pocket.

Ha! Kidding! I tease because I love.

Anyway, we here at Lost Blueprint have spent quite a bit of time considering possible buyers for the Cubs and here's what we came up with:

1. Paris Hilton--because, like, ohmygod, Wrigley Field would make such a cool club. That's hot. Is this my real hair?

2. George W. Bush--obviously, this fucker's gonna be out of a job soon (and by "soon" I mean, "two years let's hope it goes fast"), so he'll need something to do. Except that if he buys the Cubs, he'll be living in Chicago. Oh, who are we kidding, if Bush buys the Cubs, Cheney would be running the show anyway. Except that means Cheney would be living in Chicago. Yikes.

3. The Wirtz family--Pro: they're Chicagoans; con: we'll never again see a televised Cubs game. Wait. Is that a con?

4. Bill Murray--Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease . . .