HERE COME THE HOLIDAYS

by Prissy McMouth

I have been doing extensive research on holiday depression and I've found out a few very interesting facts.

First, the best way to combat holiday depression is to get really, really drunk for as long as you can. Please note, I am not saying as often as you can. I'm saying, start drinking now and don't stop until March. This will make the whole world seem kinder, gentler, and blurrier. And that's what you want for the holidays--blurriness.

Second, pass out as much as possible. Try to keep a bowl of mashed potatoes at your side at all times. It's the perfect cushion for a heavy head and the perfect holiday party accessory.

Third, and you may have to practice this, DO NOT PASS OUT FOR SO LONG THAT YOU SOBER UP! Sobriety is the enemy here and you want to fight it like, um, oh hell--insert current in-poor-taste-war-in-Iraq joke here.

What I'm saying is: Wake up drunk and keep drinking. You should practice this now because Thanksgiving is moments away and the subtle nuances among drunkeness, passed outness, and sobriety are chillingly minute.

Happy Thanksgiving!