Why Is My Mood Ring Always Black?

by Prissy McMouth

1. Because it's dark at 5pm so I fall asleep at work, which hurts my neck
2. Because the Dan Ryan construction project is going to be finished ahead of schedule and I placed a bet with my bookie that it'd be three weeks overdue
3. My bookie is annoying
4. The Bears are undefeated and I bet that they would've lost two by now
5. My bookie is annoying
6. I may or may not have a gambling problem
7. My choice for governor in the upcoming election is either a slimey incumbent with nebulous, possibly nefarious, ties to corrupt campaigning or a smokey-voiced makeup-challenged challenger with former, possibly current, ties to an indicted felon
8. I've seen the slimey incumbent jogging in my neighborhood and it makes me never want to eat again
9. The amount of time I spend on the Brown Line staring out at the North Side is approximately the same amount of time it's been since the Cubs played well enough to make it to the post season
10. The race for Cook County Board President so closely parallels a Greek tragedy and so forces the word "nepotism" out of the mouths of people who normally would not say the word "nepotism" that I actually considered voting Republican and in the three seconds it took me to register this thought my body convulsed at which point I promptly regurgitated my breakfast, which really pisses me off because I hate it when I pay good money at Denny's for a plate of Moons Over My Hammy and don't get to enjoy it.