QUARANTINE--A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

by Razz Trumble

That dude with that rare strain of TB, he's the first person to be quarantined since 1963. Or about then--I was reading the headline on someone's paper this morning and that's what I read, but then the train came, so maybe it was 1964 or even 1984, but, whatever, the point is, it was a long time ago when the government last quarantined somebody.

The precedent is set and now that this practice is back in action, let's use it. We should use it for all those people who exhibit a rare strain of stupid--the Sneezers Who Don't Cover Their Mouths, the Yellers Into Cell Phones, the Secret Farters in Enclosed Spaces. And of course, teenagers. Quarantine those monsters until they learn how to handle their alcohol.

No doubt the Democrats will scream rights violations at this, so let's apply quarantining to everyone--Bush, obviously, duh, stick him with the rare strain of stupid folks. Cheney--quarantine him, too, for being half-zombie and not even trying to hide it. Obama, Hillary, the ACLU. Just quarantine everyone, dammit, because I hate listening to people talk so much when I'm hungover and I'm always hungover.

GOD KILLS JERRY FALWELL

by Prissy McMouth

Speaking from his penthouse office in the northwest corner of Heaven, God discussed his decision to end preacher/hater Jerry Falwell's life. "Too much yammering," God said. "You humans. Out of all the life in all the galaxies I've created, you humans are the only ones who can't figure out when to shut up."

A spokesangel for God excused the Almighty, citing a recent lack of creative energy and plumbing problems in the north wing as reasons for His blunt behavior. "But, really, we don't need to explain ourselves to you," the spokesangel told the press corps.