FUCK MONSTERS

by LuLu LaRue

An academic and therefore reliable study has found that nine out of ten of you twinkie whores are having premarital sex. You godless freaks.

Seriously, I tease because I love. And when I say, "nine out of ten of you" what I mean is, "nine out of ten of us." The majority of us are having premarital sex. This is newsworthy. This is newsworthy because . . . the majority of us are doing it, but perhaps we don't know we're doing it?

Ha. Of course I know why this is being reported. This is being reported because there's nothing else going on. There's the war, but we already know all about that. There's the power shift in government, a new head of the Department of Warmongering, and a schizophrenic role reversal on the approach to the war we already know about. Obviously, it's best to report on the obvious. Plus, it's always helpful to report news that will make the Christian Coalition freak the fuck out.

You should also be aware that nine out of ten of us breathe air. That last one out of ten does not because he's a sexless automaton.