BEST BANDS OF 2006 THAT NEVER REALLY WENT ANYWHERE

by Razz Trumble

As alert Lost Blueprint readers know, I am a musician. A rock musician. Although, depending on the season, sometimes I'm folk and other times I'm alt-country and that one time there was that ill-advised emo thing I had going, but then I stopped taking ecstasy. I'm also very punk when the occasion calls for it. Therefore, my former bandmates and I have compiled this list of the best bands we never really got up and running during 2006:

1. Frozen Cum Stains
Our punk band. We required two guitars, could only find one, and we probably could've used someone who could've played it. Frozen Cum Stains had an unceremonious breakup when Johnny decided he didn't like singing songs about "screaming." For the record, we never wrote a song about screaming, we wrote, "you should be screaming," because Johnny is so clueless we actually had to tell him how to sing. We fired Johnny.

2. Cooler by the Lake
Our jazz band. We had cool t-shirts: The Chicago skyline with an upright bass tilted insouciantly between the Sears Tower and Three First National. We broke up. Jazz is hard.

3. Whack Your Mole
Our rock band. We knew four chords, so, obviously, we were one up on Nirvana. Which was our problem, because Nirvana is this band from the early 90s, which was last century, and who the fuck cares about last century? No one, that's who. Also, guess what--no clubs wanna book a band that says in its press kit, "We play more chords than Nirvana." We broke up when Eric decided to show up for a show at a friend's party wearing full on cop-from-The Village People regala and the entire party liked it. That's when we started . . .

4. Boogie Swanksters
Our disco band. We were cashing in on the 70s revival thing. OK, and also, the chicks at the party that Whack Your Mole was supposed to be playing were really digging the disco. The problem with disco is, it's supposed to make people dance and yelling, "Dance motherfuckers!" at a crowd of drunk and stoned people who used to be your friends doesn't really do it. But that's not why Boogie Swanksters broke up. Boogie Swanskters broke up because I am philosophically opposed to synthesizers. They are not instruments, no matter how many times you say they are. You could also play a kazoo and say it's a flute, but then you'd just be a big, fat, dumbass, synthesizer-playing nonmusician. In bell bottoms.